Identity Crissis
by ArchAngel xb4
Summary: This is just a short story about how screwed up Cloud really is.Well their you go. If you want more info on this story read the damn thing!
1. Cloud Who?

**Identity Crissis**

**Our story takes place in the town of Midgar. A nice little cozy town that has no real problems what so ever. Except for the little things like teen drinking, teen sex, and ... well anything you can imagine is caused by teenagers in this damned coughs i mean nice city. And actually that is where our story begins. Teen problems.**

**Cloud and Aerith were laying down together on a grassy hill on the outer edge of Midgar talkig about what they wanted to do with their lives.**

**"Aerith." said Cloud**

**she looked over at him. "Yes?"  
**

**"I haven't been very truthful to you lately." he said staring into the cloudless sky.**

**"What do you mean?" she replied.**

**"I am not who you think i am."**

**"You silly i know who you are...you're Cloud." said Aerith smiling.**

**"Damn it woman i'm not Cloud!" the spikey haired man yelled.**

**"Cloud you're scaring me."**

**Suddenly Cloud jumped up and ran to the coveniantly placed port-a-potty beside them.**

**A few moments past and Cloud bust open the toilet's doors totally different. He had a long sword with a black over coat and a wig with very long girly looking hair.**

**"It is I" he screamed. "Sephiroth!"**

**"My God!" said Aerith laughing histerically. "Cloud what do you have on?" **

**He jus looked at her confused for a monment.**

**"Why are you not scared?" he asked. "Im Sephiroth!"**

**"Scared?" said Aerith laughing again. "Cloud you look like your going to a gay strip club."**

**"Cloud?" he wispered. "There is not a cloud in the sky, who or what is this cloud?"**

**"YOU ARE CLOUD!" screamed the brown haird girl.**

**"Damn are you a fucking retard?" he shot back "I am Sephiroth!" **

**"Listen you are Cloud Strife." she replied.**

**"So your Cloud and im who?"**

**"God help!" she said "No you are Cloud and im Aerith."**

**"Okay okay i got it now... Im Aerith your a cloud and Sephiroth is a gay stripper."**

**"You just don't get it do you?" said Aerith cocking her head.**

**"Would you like to listen to some music?" Cloud said.**

**"Do what?"**

**"Whould you like to listen to some music Evey?" Cloud said again.**

**"Who is Evey?" asked Aerith.**

**"Nevermind, now lets get onto my awsome bad ass harley davison and go to my secret magic cave." he said**

**"Okay..." she said looking very confused. "lets go Cloud."**

**Sephiroth/Cloud clentched his teeth and strained not to kill her right then and there and faked a smile.**

**The two of them rode all across the countryside for no reason at all until he finally found his secret "magic" grotto. **

**"GET OUT!" he barked as they finally arrived.**

**They walked into a small cave which opened up into a huge grotto with a small pond and with a small pond with white tall trees around the bank.**

**"It's beutiful" whispered Aerith. "But how is it magic?"**

**"Well that's simple" answered Sephiroth. "well you see ah...when you look into the water you can see yourself."**

**He bent down into the shimmering water and looked at his reflection.**

**"See i can see myself, whoo magic!"**

**"You mean you see your relflection?"**

**"Witch how do you know about my magic!"**

**"It's not magic Cloud!" she spat.**

**"Look a monkey!" yelled Sephiroth pointing to the wall.**

**"Ah where?" Aerith asked.**

**Suddenly Cloud jumped in the air and slamed his sword into Aerith's back. She just stood there for a moment with the katana jutting from her back. And as she fell Cloud shouted...**

**"It's Sephiroth Bitch!"**

**Aerith slowly fell into the water.**

**Cloud then kicked her to make sure she was dead. Then he bent down over her and looked aroud the grotto to make sure nobody was watching. He began to strip her clothes off and when he was done he took his clothes off and put Aerith's clothes on himself.**

**"Now onto Edge." he thought.**

**Cloud skipped slowly out of the cave and began to sing "One Winged Angel"...well his version.**

**"A song, flick a weed, feel me up eat my soap Sephiroth!"**

**And he rode off into the sunset to the city of EDGE. Ribbons and all.**

**Authors note: now you know how Fucked up Cloud really is.**


	2. What's New PussyCat?

**The Edge**

**The sun was going down and a dark cloud loomed over the city of Edge.**

**"Hey" thought Cloud "Maybe that's the cloud that strange woman was talking about in my magic cave."**

**Cloud pulled the motorcycle into the city limits of Edge and headed to the market.**

**"Okay now i need to find some flowers." he thought outloud "Then Zack will love ME!" **

**"Cloud?" said a voice "Cloud...is that you?"**

**Cloud quickly turned around and saw a tall wimpy looking man with a black beard and a blue overcoat.**

**"Cloud its me Reeve Tuestie." the man said.**

**"No Mr. TwoTit it;s me ah Aerith!" Cloud replied in a squeeky girlish voice.**

**"Are you sure you're not Cloud?"**

**"Yes i'm sure see i have ribbons in my hair and im usless in virtually any battle."**

**"Well" said Reeve staring at Cloud's legs "I don't remember Aerith having hairy legs."**

**Then there was one of those akward silences that you see in crapy films.**

**"Ah Reeve." said Cloud.**

**"Yes?"**

**"KARUNCH!" yelled Cloud as he kicked Reeve in the balls.**

**"SHIT!" Reeve cried "My pussy...I mean balls!"**

**Reeve staggard to his feet and started to chase after Cloud.**

**"Don't make us chase you!" he yelled after Cloud.**

**"Us!" **

**"Yes...Us!" replied Reeve.**

**Reeve opened his jacket and revealed hundreds of Cait Sith's tied to his body.**

**"Holy Shit!" Cloud yelled.**

**"Now feel the screams of the damned as my tiny pussycats blow you to Oblivion!" wailed Reeve as he started to throw the dolls at Cloud with TNT strapped to their heads.**

**"Jesus Christ Reeve and you thought I had problems!" said Cloud.**

**Reeve abrutley stopped.**

**"You're right Cloud, how could you have ever thought of killing yourself?"**

**"But I-" said Cloud but Reeve cut him off.**

**"Let's go to my place and have some tea." said Reeve **

**"Okkaaay." replied Cloud slowly.**

**Reeve climbed into a nearby ShadowFox which he just hijacked from a little old woman.**

**"You might want to hang on Cloud, the ShadowFox can only go one direction so we may hit the occasional pedestrian,fag,building, pale kid, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."**

**"_Wow" thought Cloud "Reeve kind of looks like me, I mean god I must be the REAL Reeve...and oh my god he is an imposter!"_**

**"Whore, j-walker, and- hey Cloud are you alright?" asked Reeve. **

**"Stop the ShadowFox." he replied.**

**"Damn it Cloud havn't you been listen to my over elaborate speech!" asked Reeve.**

**"uh...ah..i guess." replied Cloud.**

**"I told you the ShadowFox can only go in one direction and can't stop unless we hit something very hard, so hard that there is a very strong possiblity that we could die on impact."**

**"Why the hell do you even have this giant piece of shit?" complained Cloud. "I thought Shinra was funding the WRO!" **

**"Well" mumbled Reeve. "I kind of used all of the money making plush toys, I kind of have a BIG cat fetish."**

**"Wow I never saw that coming." lied Cloud.**

**"I am ashamed." said Reeve hanging his head. "I must return to my ghetto."**

**"Reeve listen I know this may not make sense now but it may or may not in the future, you are a pussy-" **

**"Hold on is that what may not make sense because I already know that." said Reeve.**

**"No" replied Cloud "you are not Reeve Tuestie."**

**"I knew it!" yelled Reeve "Im God!"**

**"Again damn it NO!" screamed Cloud "Now whould you please let me finish my fucking speech!"**

**"You may continue."**

**"I am going to give you a choice Reeve, if you take the blue pill you can return to your normal gay ass life and get shot in your ghetto." Cloud pulled out another pill. "But if you take the red pill you will know the truth behind everything and all will be revealed."**

**"Right" sighed Reeve "I think I will take the blu...red pill!"**

**"Good, now take off you clothes!" barked Cloud**

**"Is this what you meant by everything will be revealed?" asked Reeve**

**"Let's go with that."**

**Cloud grabed Reeve's clothes and put them on himself.**

**"Cloud this is a little uncomfortable." said Reeve covering up his naked body.**

**"Now Reeve I want you to put on this Cait Sith costume and come with me."**

**"Finally:" shrieked Reeve "My life is finally complete."**

**"Now that I have found myself I can continue on with my life and since you have no more money to make another Cait Sith you will have to do." said Cloud.**

**"Iye laddie!" replied Reeve.**

**"Now lets head on down to check up on our old frends." said Cloud.**

**And the queer couple set off to reunite with their old pals at the Cloud Strife delivery service/ bar/orphanage/whore house/ strip club.**


End file.
